SINGAPORE — For nurse clinician Audrey Seet, her job as a neonatal bereavement nurse does not just involve taking care of premature babies, but also sitting with grieving parents going through one of life's biggest tragedies: That of losing a child.

“Some mothers, when carrying their demised baby, will tell the baby: ‘Baby we haven’t even gone home yet. You've never even stepped out of this unit,” said Ms Seet.

“All these words always sink deep… And it’s the cries of the mothers that pierce right into my heart.” 

The 36-year-old nurse, who has been working at the Singapore General Hospital (SGH) for 15 years, first formed a small team of bereavement nurses in 2017 after an attachment at a hospital in the United Kingdom.

There, she saw how families would have a bereavement nurse to lean on right from the child’s prognosis and through the death process, which was something that resonated with her.

“Support is extremely important for us, especially in Asian cultures where we tend to be more conservative when expressing ourselves emotionally. So I thought this was extremely meaningful,” she said.

Amid a heightened awareness of how hard nurses have had it lately, TODAY spoke to three healthcare workers who handle one of the hardest jobs in medical care — providing support to grieving parents who have lost their child — to find out about the challenges of taking on such a heavy task.

CREATING MEMORIES BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD

These healthcare workers said that their work typically involves counselling parents after the death of their child and following up with phone calls around a month after to check on them.

Depending on the child’s prognosis, the support may start even when the child is still alive, to help parents with memory making before the child dies.

Broaching the topic of a child’s potential death is never easy, said Ms Seet, and the initial counselling session is always the most challenging because of how sensitive it is.

“But we will explain to them that the intention (of speaking about it early) is to create more opportunities for them to bond with their baby such as skin to skin contact or being able to hold them,” she said.

The nurses will also ask parents what they would “love to keep as a memory of their child”.

Dr Teresa Tan, who oversees the paediatric palliative care service at the National University Hospital (NUH), said that parents may reject talking about it because it sounds like their child is “going to die”.

But she explained that making such mental preparations also helps parents have "a sense of control in an already helpless situation”, especially when they see “their child’s condition going downhill and there’s nothing they can do to stop the process”. 

“Things like deciding what’s important for them to remember their child — whether they want this physical keepsake or if holding their child is good enough — to be able to have these choices helps in the preparatory process and invariably the bereavement process,” said Dr Tan.

To help parents with memory making, SGH, NUH and KK Women's and Children's Hospital told TODAY that they provide parents with memory boxes consisting of mementos such as photographs, handprints and footprints.

They also partner with Angel Hearts, which supplies gowns for babies to wear after their deaths. Over 100 volunteers would hand sew these tiny gowns made from donated wedding dresses.

Ms Tan Fang Ling, the founder of Angel Hearts, said she believes that providing these gowns help to support and bring closure for parents.

"When it happens, there's no time to buy a clothing to dress them and whatever you have is probably too big," the 44-year-old said.

But still, it is never easy for parents and some of them may feel like they are “betraying” their child by moving on and being happy, said Ms Seet.

“So I will tell them to give themselves a period of time to grieve and then take small steps to walk out of it and move on — not forgetting your baby but to keep him or her in a special place in your heart."

‘LIKE A WARM BLANKET’

One beneficiary of such bereavement support services is 41-year-old Penny Ng, who was the first patient Ms Seet from SGH counselled after setting up the team in 2017.  

Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2013, Ms Ng suffered a relapse in 2017 and was told that she had stage four cancer, as it had spread to her lungs.

In that same year, she found out that she was pregnant and despite her doctors advising against it, she and her husband decided to keep the baby.

Unfortunately, her condition worsened towards her seventh month of pregnancy and the couple had no choice but to return to the hospital, where the doctors advised her to deliver the child immediately.

But upon giving birth, Ms Ng’s child died within a few minutes as the baby could not survive outside her womb.

“I remember holding the baby in my arms and thinking to myself, I hope no parent has to go through what I’m going through,” said Ms Ng.

And while she was in the delivery room with tears streaming down her face, Ms Seet simply sat next to her without saying a word and held her hand.

“I will never forget how that felt, she felt like a very warm and fuzzy blanket,” Ms Ng said with a laugh, adding that the warmth Ms Seet brought made her “feel comforted and assured”.

Even though years have passed since then, Ms Ng and Ms Seet’s relationship has extended beyond the walls of the hospital. The two still keep in touch and would often contact each other to catch up.

COMPASSION FATIGUE

Although these healthcare workers said that it is a “privilege” to journey with parents through such tough times, they admitted that the work does inadvertently take a toll on them.

Ms Mak Wei Lan, a senior medical social worker at KKH in her 30s, shared about "compassion fatigue", which refers to the emotional and physical stress that may come about from helping people who are experiencing trauma or high stress.

She recalled a time when she felt exhausted and said that what helped her overcome these feelings was to first “acknowledge them” and speak to her supervisor about it.

Similarly, Ms Seet said that she exercises regularly to prevent such heavy feelings from overwhelming her.

Having insight into one’s emotions and setting boundaries are also important, said Dr Tan.

But ultimately, for these healthcare professionals, it is the knowledge that their work is helping someone and words of gratitude that help keep them going.

And many times, they in turn receive strength from those grieving, too.

“Despite the crisis they are facing in those critical moments, you see a lot of parents who are able to get by through their resilience. They have that grace to carry on and this is something that I always take with me,” said Ms Mak.

Source:
courtesy of TODAY

by CHARLENE GOH

If you have any stories or news that you would like to share with the global online community, please feel free to share it with us by contacting us directly at [email protected]